Woods of Memories
Dying is not what it just to be, and I talk as if I were an expert. This has only happened to me once but I felt that it didn't happen the way it should. I don't know what was it like for all of the other folks that have left this world but for me it was pure pain, there was no calming piece, no serenity, nothing; the pain still went on for an eternity. But I guess time behaves differently when you're not in this world anymore. I was suspended in time at the moment that it happened; I was lying there, my murderer was hugging me and I just wanted to kill him, I was too weak to do anything about it, imagine that scene lasting... for an eternity.
Eventually, I guess I moved on, I'm not sure what happened but I felt that I wasn't part of that world anymore, and I couldn't help to feel so relief, I suppose that this was the peace and serenity that everybody talks about. If you had live in my world, it’s not a world that you would miss. Now that I'm no longer part of it, I guess I should be worried about my parents, I guess I should be watching them but the problem is that I never met them. None of us ever did, we don't have any idea how they look like, we are not really sure where they are, the only think that we know is that they're still alive and they were keeping us alive (well, for me, this was no longer the case, but for all the others it was). The planet where I and all of the others lived was called Bena, this was a planet owned by the Luvic Corporation (who pretty much conquered our entire solar system). We lived in Bena because all of us were sons of workers of the Luvic Corporation. That's right, if you worked for the Luvic Corporation and you had a child, this child was taken away from you and sent to Bena were he was going to be raised by teachers and young adults. As a parent you didn't even get to meet your son, but you still have to work for his education, that's right, your son being in Bena wasn't something free, parents had to continue working to pay their education and their staying in Bena. If you stopped working, your child was simply expelled from the planet and he would have to become a space nomad, no matter what age.
Once a son finishes maternal education, he would be ready to enter hologram education or as the corporation called it: "Educational Palaces" gigantic crystal buildings that resembled the ancient universities that existed long before. Here you'll son would have to decide what he was going to become for the Luvic Corporation and he had three options: Colonist, Engineer or Maternal Teacher, after choosing one, he would then face endless tests and trials to determine whether or not he was worthy of being a worker for the Corporation, if he managed to past all of the tests he would have to still complete the final test which was almost impossible to approve and only the best of the best succeeded and began to work for the corporation in the area that they had mastered, for everyone else, space was the only place left for us.
Things were not always this difficult. Generations before, 60% of students managed to succeed on the final test and became active Luvic workers, but for our generation it wasn't the same, the Luvic Corporation had already conquered everything it was needed to be conquered, they controlled and developed every resource that they needed. We humans already possessed an excellent longevity and everything look well and prosperous for them but not for us, not for the children of Bena; we weren't useful anymore, young blood just wasn't needed, the corporation had just the right amount of workers in all of its areas: The colonist had already conquered the solar system, so there was no need for more. Engineers had discovered and developed the finest ways of preserving energy and food, not much improvement could be made in that area. And Maternal Teacher was the most overpopulated job in existences (which was the career path I chose, by the way). The idea of interacting and educating the future generations seemed to be a beautiful thing to do, plus I loved kids, everybody kept telling me that it was the worst job ever, that I should have chosen engineering as everyone else but being a teacher for this kids seemed to be far more important and transcendental.
"What's transcendental about indoctrinating a bunch of spoiled brats that will have no future anyways?" Net always reminded me.
Even thought our planet was mind-blowingly boring, all schools and educational palaces were surrounded by beautiful and enormous forests, where everyone just liked to hang, drink, fuck, whatever.
I met Net when I was camping in the woods with some friends, he was the friend of a friend, when we had our first conversation I was completely loathed by his fucking pessimism, I just hated that pretentious asshole.
"How the hell you know that?" was the first thing I asked him.
"Went to maternal schools myself and look at me, I have no future." It was true, but I just hated being wrong.
"Don't be a pussy, nothing is easy in life, you have to fight for everything, so man the fuck up, would you?" He just laughed at me when I said that.
"I like you, sister" he said and he grabbed my shoulder
"Who the hell still says ‘sister’? What are you an old man?" he laughed once again.
"I like you, sister" he repeated...what a fucking idiot.
After I met him, Net began to change a lot, at first I thought that he was only doing this to comply me, but I was wrong. What I didn't realized at the moment is that he was actually showing me his true self and apparently this was the first time he had ever done that with anyone. After few months of dating him, I realized he was another person completely, he was like me or better yet he had always been like me but he just hid it because no one else would accept him like that. In reality, he was extremely vulnerable and I was the only one who could see this because he let me. Now, I don't know if this was the real Net.
"You know what... even though I never met them and probably never will... I miss them. I know that I'm the only one who feels like this but...I do". And he was right, nobody else felt like him.
He was the only one who had a particular interest in finding his parents and meet them. Maternal schools always taught us that parents were unimportant figures and that they only did what they had to do. They were only responsible in founding our education, which we hated. So no one developed an actual love or curiosity towards them. Bunch of strangers who just gave money and force us to do something we hated. But Net knew that what they've taught us was not the true.
"How can you create a life and just hand over it to a bunch of fucking strangers, who will never let you see it again and you will never know in what type of person it became?"
That particular piece of the puzzle didn't seem to fit well and he made me realize this, I guess that he made me interested in finding my parents and he also made me uninterested in doing what I was doing at the moment.
"I know that you have good intentions but your idea of that job is not what it really is, you're not changing anything, you're not improving anything, you're just helping the indoctrination to continue to the next generation: The Luvic Corporation is the only place in which you're gonna be safe, you don't wanna be in space, you're going to die alone out there. So, you better try the best to become a Luvic worker. Ohh... and for your information, there is pair of workers out there who are founding your education so that you can become just like them."
He later wrote a poem about that, I think it was titled "Solitude Adventures". That was our greatest fear, to die alone out there. To embark on a quest that was going to rip us a part. Nobody wanted that and you could see the desperation and anxiety that a lot of us went through because of that fear.
I saw that desperation and anxiety... but only once. It was the last thing I saw in this world, his face was full of it. I returned to that moment once again and I realized that everything that happened was just a result of that same desperation and anxiety we were all imprisoned by. On top of all, I actually knew him. I think his name was Roger and for the little I knew him, he was actually a nice guy. But every nice guy turns into a monster given the right conditions, but those conditions weren't his fault. While I was looking at him, I think that he assumed exactly the opposite idea, that everything was his fault, in reality it wasn't, that was the moment when the eternity disappeared.
The more I think about this world, the more I remember Net. The more I remember how he changed with the passing of time. In the final moments I spent with him, he became so obsessed with everything, especially with the idea of meeting his parents. Before, when I think I used to love him, he just live in his ideas, he just moved back and forward, but later, he just became obsessed with them. He began doing experiments in the Bio-Lab, he managed to hack a long list of data containing the personal and biological data of a lot of Luvic workers. He then began to do DNA experiments, comparing which worker matched with his DNA. Of course, this was going to take him years, but he didn't care. He hired hackers to acquire all of the information necessary to tracked them, after that, I think that he actually hacked a file pertaining to the Luvic Diaphora (The Elite researcher group for the Luvic Corporation), he thought his parents were part of that group, those files were almost impossible to acquire by someone like us, but he did, and he became more obsessed than ever.
I already hated the sex and I knew he to, I already hated being with him and I knew he hated to be with me to. He was always lost in the woods, never available when needed and with the passing of time, he became never needed. I naturally decided to fell in love with someone else and that someone else got me killed...
I don't want to remember more of this stuff but it seems that I'm just trapped in these memories; I just want to escape them. I now live in the forest where I died, at first I thought that this was just some kind of illusion, more like a dream, a death dream, however, every time the essence of the forest seems more vivid, every time I can smell the trees, flowers and shit more intensively. I can feel the grass as if I had feet, as if I were still alive, lost in these woods of memories. I would like to know if I'm the only one here.
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